The Standing Cucumber

Jobert Sucaldito hospitalized after accident with cucumber

Showbiz talk show host Jobert Sucaldito is recovering at the Capitol Medical Center in Quezon City after a successful emergency surgery to remove a large piece of cucumber that got stuck in his rectum, according to reports.
Sucaldito, one of the hosts of ABS-CBN's "The Buzz," reportedly met with the accident Sunday night and was rushed to the hospital after complaining of "extreme pain" in his bottom.
X-rays subsequently revealed that a broken piece of cucumber, about five inches in length, had gotten lodged into the lower end of his large intestine.
It was not immediately clear how the cucumber got there.
The surgeons who operated on Sucaldito were tight-lipped and refused to discuss his case with media, citing doctor-patient confidentiality. Oddly enough, they all looked like they were trying vainly to keep from laughing and refused to look reporters in the eye.
Members of Sucaldito's household who declined to be named said they recovered the other half of the cucumber, also five inches in length, in Sucaldito's bedroom.
They said it had "bite marks" and was in a "soggy" state.
Besides the cucumber, they said they also found "a bottle of Johnson's baby oil, pictures of scantily clad men, and lots of tissue paper."
Reached by phone, Sucaldito said he is fine and will be discharged from hospital soon. He explained that it was all an accident.
Cucumbers Have Rights, Too
"Gumagawa kasi ako ng salad. Napaupo ako dun sa chair e meron palang pipino dun na patayo ang pusisyon. Basta, mabilis kasi ang mga pangyayari (I was making a salad. I sat on a chair but there was a cucumber there in an upright position. Everything just happened so fast)" he said.
In a related development, a group of vegan Filipinos is reportedly thinking of filing an abuse complaint against Sucaldito for allegedly molesting a harmless and defenseless vegetable.